There’s a question foreigners sometimes ask about Korea.
“Why do Koreans ask your age when they’ve just met you?”
I’ve heard that some foreigners find this surprising, uncomfortable, or even rude.
For someone like me who has lived in Korea all my life, asking someone’s age can feel so normal that I didn’t really understand why foreigners found it strange.
But the basic reason is actually pretty simple.
The Korean language has different levels of speech depending on who you’re talking to.
In Korea, Age Isn’t Just a Number
In Korean, the way you speak can change depending on your relationship with the other person.
When you first meet someone, it’s normal to use polite speech.
But as you get to know each other, age becomes important.
Is this person older than me?
Younger?
Or are we the same age?
Once you know that, it becomes easier to understand what to call each other, whether to continue using polite speech, and whether you might eventually become comfortable enough to speak casually.
So when Koreans ask someone’s age, I don’t think it’s usually because we’re particularly curious about the number itself.
It’s closer to asking:
“How should I talk to this person from now on?”
I think this was even stronger in previous generations.
In my parents’ generation, it wasn’t unusual for an older person to start speaking casually to someone younger once the age difference became clear, even if they had only recently met.
Things have changed.
Today, many Koreans would consider it rude for an older person to immediately speak casually to a stranger just because they’re younger.
But age still matters in Korean relationships.
And when I really think about it, age isn’t the only thing we use to understand where we stand in relation to other people.
We Compare More Than Just Age
There are many other things.
Your job.
The company you work for.
Your position at work.
The school you graduated from.
Where you live.
Whether you own your home.
What kind of car you drive.
And eventually, how much money or wealth you have.
I’m not saying every Korean asks these questions when meeting someone.
I’m also not saying every Korean judges people this way.
But after living in Korea for more than 40 years, I do feel that these things can sometimes become subtle ways of figuring out where someone stands compared with you.
And if I’m being completely truthful,
I’m not free from this either.
I Notice Other People’s Success Too
I know several people who have become quite successful financially.
One person I know built a successful business while still in his 30s. He was able to buy a car worth more than 100 million won in cash and live in an apartment without a mortgage.
Another person I know owns two apartments in the Seoul metropolitan area and rents them out.
Someone I knew from school became a doctor in his 20s and now seems to live in a completely different world from mine.
I also know people who became senior executives or high-ranking government officials.
But the person I can speak about most honestly is a friend I still see from time to time.
He’s the same age as me.
We grew up in the same neighborhood.
We played together.
And we’re still friends today.
When it comes to age, there is no hierarchy between us at all.
But as adults, our financial situations became very different.
Today, he earns more than 100 million won a year and has enough financial freedom to buy a car worth more than 100 million won in cash.
I think he’s done incredibly well.
He worked hard, became good at what he does, and created those results for himself.
But at the same time, if I’m being truthful…
I’m jealous.
Sometimes, I even feel a little bitter.
And once in a while, I don’t really feel like meeting him.
Not because I dislike him.
It’s because when I see him, I start comparing myself to him.
“Where am I in my life right now?”
“Why haven’t I achieved as much as he has?”
Maybe it’s a very small feeling.
But I would be lying if I said it wasn’t there.
We’re the Same Age, but Another Kind of Hierarchy Appears
This is the part I find interesting.
We’re exactly the same age.
So according to the traditional Korean age hierarchy, neither of us is above or below the other.
We’re friends.
We speak comfortably with each other.
But when age disappears from the equation, other comparisons can take its place.
Career.
Income.
Wealth.
Housing.
Cars.
Social status.
And before I realize it, I can find myself wondering:
“Where do I stand compared with him?”
This might sound completely unrelated to Koreans asking each other’s age.
But to me, there is a strange connection between the two.
We sometimes try to understand our position in relation to the person in front of us.
Age is simply one of the quickest and clearest pieces of information.
As we get older, money, careers and social position can join it.
Is This Connected to Why Koreans Work So Much?
There’s another question foreigners sometimes ask about Korea.
“Why do Koreans work so much?”
Obviously, there isn’t one simple answer.
Korea’s rapid economic development matters.
Workplace culture matters.
The history of long working hours matters.
The cost of housing, education and raising a family matters too.
But sometimes I wonder whether comparison plays a role as well.
Again, this isn’t a statistic.
I’m not claiming to speak for every Korean.
It’s simply something I’ve wondered about after living here for most of my life.
At least for me, comparison definitely plays a part.
I want to make money for my family.
I need to pay living expenses.
I want to prepare for the future.
But that’s not the whole truth.
I also don’t want to feel like I’m falling behind everyone else.
Someone around me buys a better home.
Someone buys a better car.
Someone makes more money.
I’m impressed.
I’m jealous.
Sometimes I’m envious.
And then I want to earn more too.
I doubt I’m the only person in Korea who has ever felt this way.
But I also don’t want to pretend that every Korean thinks like me.
Maybe this has less to do with Korean culture and more to do with my own personality.
Still, when I look at the people around me — and when I look at myself — I feel that age, occupation, job title, education, housing, cars and wealth can all become ways people compare themselves with others in Korean society.
Imagine a Company Owner and a Delivery Rider
Here’s a simple example.
Imagine a man in his 50s who owns a successful company and is financially comfortable.
Now imagine a man in his 40s who works part-time doing food delivery.
They meet for the first time.
From the delivery rider’s perspective, the older man may appear successful.
He’s older.
He owns a company.
He appears to make considerably more money.
The younger man might admire him.
He might envy him.
And at the same time, he might start comparing his own life with the other man’s.
He may feel that the other person is ahead of him both in age and financial position.
And when that person says something or asks something of him, perhaps even the way he receives those words changes slightly.
I don’t think this controls every relationship in Korea.
Not at all.
But I also don’t think these tiny calculations inside our heads are completely nonexistent.
Maybe part of the reason some of us keep trying to make more money is because we want to escape that feeling of being behind.
Or maybe we simply hope that one day, we’ll be the person who feels like he’s finally made it.
Time and Money Don’t Listen to Us
Thinking about age eventually brings me back to time.
We get older.
No matter how hard we try, we can’t stop time.
Someone who was 20 years old can’t work hard enough to become 20 again.
Money feels strangely similar to me.
Working hard doesn’t guarantee that money will come exactly when or how we want it to.
Working more doesn’t automatically make someone rich.
Neither time nor money moves exactly according to our will.
And perhaps that’s why we want so much of both.
We want more time ahead of us.
And we want more money in our hands.
Along the way, we keep looking at other people.
How old is he?
What does she do?
How successful are they?
Where do they live?
What kind of car do they drive?
And eventually, we look back at ourselves.
Where am I?
At least, that’s how I think I’ve lived much of my life.
So Why Do Koreans Ask Your Age?
Let’s go back to the original question.
The most practical reason Koreans ask someone’s age is actually very simple.
Korean has polite and casual ways of speaking, and knowing someone’s age makes it easier to understand how you should speak to each other.
But the longer I think about that question, the more I see something else behind it.
For a long time, age has been one way of understanding relationships and social position in Korea.
And as we become adults, other things can appear alongside it.
Career.
Job title.
Money.
Housing.
Cars.
Education.
How much importance people place on those things will vary enormously.
Younger Koreans may also see many of these things very differently from people of my generation.
And another Korean might read everything I’ve written here and say:
“I’m Korean, and I don’t think like that at all.”
That’s completely fair.
I can’t speak for every Korean.
I can only tell you what it has felt like for one person who has spent more than 40 years living in Korea.
And even now, I still compare myself with other people.
Sometimes I’m embarrassed by it.
Sometimes it’s exhausting.
And maybe, sometimes, it’s also one of the things that pushes me to keep trying.
Does this kind of comparison exist where you live too?
Do age, career, money, housing or other things affect how people see someone’s social position?
Or does what I’ve described about Korea feel completely foreign to you?